Pure Pure Crack
by PinkxXxPoisonxXxLemonade
Summary: The pairings in this are just WTF pairings. Not all of the chars are in the Naruto world. About half are with real people. It just makes sense on some…and others will make you wanna throw up or cry from how twisted it is. Enjoy
1. TemarixKisame

**Pure Pure Crack**

**_Summary;_** Woot woot! Okay so this is a CRACK story. It's only about 500 words per chap at least. Maybe more. But the pairings in this are just WTF pairings. Not all the pairings are in the Naruto world. About half are with real people. It just makes sense on some…and some with make you wanna throw up or cry from how twisted it is. Enjoy

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"Oi!! You missed a spot!"

"Yes dear."  
Standing over her cleaning husband, the blonde girl gave a evil smirk. She loved doing this to her poor poor man. When she had first fallen in love with him it…caused a scene. His 'family' was trying to talk him out of it by threatening to kill him. And her own two brothers…they ended up throwing up from the thought of the couple. Oh well. Eight months after their first date at the beach, they were married. They had Tsunade from the leaf village be their priest since Temari's brother refused to do it when it was Kisame. He couldn't stop gagging long enough to do it anyways.

That was a year ago. Now, they lived happily in a large three story house in the Sand Village with a indoor pond for her husband and his obsession with fish. No, they had no children, they tried of course but to no avail. It seemed Kisame was sterile. And the thought of that made Gaara and Kankuro fall over laughing. Only…Temari had some news. And with her insecure husband he would end up jumping to conclusions until she hit him.

"Hey Kisame."  
"Yes dear?" Temari smiled at the pet name.  
"I have some news." Kisame returned the smile as he stood up and took the blonde girls hand, leading her to the living room. Sitting down on the large over stuffed chair, he pulled Temari to his lap.

"Now what is it?"  
"Well…" Temari bit on her lower lip. "I'm pregnant…"  
Kisame blinked a couple of times at his wife before gasping with tears in his eyes.  
**"YOU CHEATED ON ME!!"  
**"What?! **NO!"**  
"Yes you did! You don't love me anymore!!" Temari stared at her sobbing husband as he rambled on. He sounded like a woman.  
"-Why is it you never take me out anymore? You have been with another man haven't you?! It's why your pregnant! Waahhhh What about the vows you made to Love me endlessly unless the you got the chance with a hot kinky Baywatch boy?!" Temari rolled her eyes. She hadn't said that….She had said Hot kinky Bondage Baywatch boy. Sighing and placing her hand on her husbands head she gave a smile.  
"I did not cheat on you. Where else would I find someone like you?"  
"….Target?" **_SMACK!  
_**"I'm trying to be nice!! But really…It's your baby."  
Kisame gave a grin as his mood swings made him to jump up and dance with Temari. "We're gonna be parents!! Suck on that Itachi!" Temari smirked.  
"Oh and if the baby is blue, I will kill you."

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o-o No not ask!!! It just came to me along with a million other crack pairings. XD I think this one is one of the more WTF pairings though. Anyways, the next one is Orochimaru. If anyone can guess who he's with I'll write them their own one-shot with any pairing. Crack or not. ;P So until the next Pure Pure Crack!!


	2. OrochimaruxItachi

**_Pure Pure Crack  
Disclaimer; No I do not own these chars but I do own the idea of messing with them like this! Muwahahahaha._**

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"Muwahahahahaahaha!"  
"…why are you laughing?"  
"I got promoted so I'm a bad ma'amajama!"  
"…No you're not."  
"Yes I am!"  
"Say that again and no sex."  
Orochimaru gasped at Itachi as he held his hand over his dead heart. No sex?! NOOOOOOO!!! That's a worse thought then dropping a perfectly innocent muffin on the floor! Orochimaru couldn't go through that again. Giving a pout he tackled the Uchiha. "But Itachi-chaaaaan." Itachi's eye twitched at the horrific. "Why are you so mean?!" Itachi looked at the 'evil' snake lord who had tears in the corner of his eyes and quivering lip.  
"Because I'm evil." Orochimaru frowned before pulling away from the boy and crossing his arms.  
"Yea well…I don't like it! You're so rude now a days. Why is that itachi-chan…?" Orochimaru gasps and looks at Itachi before pointing at him.  
"You don't really love me do you?! You lied to me to get into my pants didn't you?!"

Itachi rolled his eyes before patting Ororchimaru's head who was now crying. "Yes of course, you know I don't care. That's why I sneak off from Akasuki to see you every day because I do not care. Hn." Orochimaru hiccupped.  
"I KNEW IT!" Itachi sighed.  
"I was kidding you moron."

"Don't call me a moron idiot!!" Orochimaru glared, his purple eyeliner that took hours upon hours to put on was running. "..You've been cheating on me haven't you?" Itachi raised an eyebrow.  
"And what makes you think this koi?"  
"Well you always had a thing for blondes, look at that Naruto boy you're always chasing-"  
"For the Kyuubi."  
"Whatever, and there's a blonde at the Atasuki! You've been cheating on me with him huh?"  
Itachi sighed. "Yes of course. I can't believe you didn't figure out it before."  
"I KNEW IT!!" Cue the water works."I was kidding. Can't you take a damn joke?" "…no."  
Itachi sighed at his boyfriend as he pushed the pale man off of him and sat down on a random chair. "Why are you being so moody recently? You have been acting like a woman who is either PMSing or a woman that is pregnant."  
Silence. Itachi looked at Orochimaru.

"…What? Why are you being so quiet now?"  
"Itachi…"  
"Yes?"  
"Ummm well…I umm…"  
"Spit it out already!"  
"I am pregnant."  
THUD. That was the sound of Itachi passing out after finding out Orochimaru; his boyfriend was pregnant. How? The world doesn't want to know.

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o-O Wooow. I really need help. Haha. Alright no one guess who Orochimaru would be with. So let's try again. Our favorite Redhead boy Gaara with someone you would never think of pairing him with. Hehehe. Anyways, there is a reason this is being posted today. It's my birthday!! :D YEP!! I am now legally able to run old ladies over. Oh and drive on the sidewalk. But anyways, I hope everyone that reads this gets a good laugh at orochimaru!! Until next time!!


	3. Sasuke's affair

He knew it was cheating but he couldn't stop. Not yet. His love for her was growing every time they met. During a business lunch, a sudden run-in at dinner with his current girlfriend or in the coffee shop in the morning while he ate his bagel with cream cheese.

In the words of Neji, it was fate. That smooth skin, the edges she carried, how she never put him down no matter what. Sasuke Uchiha wasn't sure what it was that drew someone like himself to a woman of her stature, but he knew this was love. This was what all those people sang about on the radio, wrote in novels, on the glass jars of candles or Hallmark cards. This was the purest form there was.

If only they had met before her. Before that temptress; that she-devil, had met him. Before she had pulled him into that dark abyss. Then he could be with her. He knew his current was having an affair as well. It didn't surprise him. He had known she was the type due to area she came from.

Even though he knew he could break it off with her, he didn't want to hurt her. His best friend who had introduced his true love to him had installed that value into him. Never to hurt a woman, that motto was now a part of him. Sasukes lips tilted downwards as he thought of his best friend Dylan. What should she say to this? She didn't know of the situation. He could never tell. She didn't even know about his current girlfriend. She had her suspicions yes, but she thought it was some idiot girl from down the street who stared at him like most woman. That's why Dylan was his best friend. She happily made fun of him, pushed him over into a pile of mud and take pictures, she had even took pictures of him sleeping and sold them on EBay…wait…now that he thought of it…why was he friends with her? She's fucking crazy! She made a living by stalking people for others!! She had even lived in a man's trash can for three months to find out if he was murdering chipmunks for the Animal Cruelty people. Okay yes, she had a lot of money but that doesn't change the fact she was better off in an Asylum with a straight jacket for her to nibble on at all hours when she believes she's a Boston Terrier and eats his shoes.

Sasuke ran his fingers through his hair as he was forced from his thought son his crazy friend to the present when he wanted into a small diner. There she was. Waiting for him by candle light in the corner. He smiled as he slid into the seat across from her. He had bought the place out for the night so they could be alone. Leaning forward to give a chaste kiss, a light was shined in his eyes. There on the edge of the table was his current girlfriend. He gasped. "No honey! I-It isn't what it looks like to be!" he exclaimed why looked back and forth between the two.

Neither spoke. But a snort of laugh was heard behind the curtain to his right. Pulling it back was Dylan, snorting and laughing with a camera. The red light on the top showing it was one and that she had recorded the entire thing. "Dylan!!"

The aqua haired girl giggled and laughed. "You're on a date with a SPORK?! And did you call that rock HONEY?! And you think I'm twisted!!" She fell to the floor laughing. Sasuke blushed brightly as he turned to the current girlfriend; the rock and his secret lover; the plastic spork. "Do not judge me!!" The Uchiha screamed as he took the Rock and Spork and ran away. The curtain to the left opened and realized Itachi who shook his head. "I'm not surprised. He use to make out with his stuffed animals, pillows, and his computer…" Dylan grinned. "Hey…got that on film?" Itachi nodded. "Wanna make a few bucks?" The older Uchiha smirked. "I like your way of thinking."

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Pffft. I had too! As soon as i had a tie on the Spork,the rock, and Dylan for the poll i thought of this. Then the Spork won the poll so it became the true love....i really am crazy now. ANYWAYS! I said it would involve Gaara but I couldn't help but write this one. Next one will be on Gaara kay? Hehehe and no one can guess who hes paired with!! NO ONE I SAY!! NO ONE MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


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